I've thought for years about that
verse, and that the concept of personal ministry begins with that
idea. Nobody ever converts people by scolding them and telling them
how awful they are, although that technique is still popular no
matter how ineffective it is. I've always thought the only effective
way to lead someone to Christ is to show them that there's something
in being a Christian that you just don't have otherwise. No matter
how righteous your behavior, and no matter what good you do in the
world, if you can't make it visible that it's only because God lives
in you, you won't save any souls.
Therefore, I reasoned, my principle
duty as a Christian is to live a life that makes Christianity look
attractive to others, and makes following Jesus look like a good idea
and a desirable choice in life. That's caused me a lot of
consternation because I'm generally not a happy person, and I'm not
good at hiding it. If I couldn't be happy in Christ, then how could I
convince anyone else that they could? And as I pointed out in a
previous entry, if I was so miserable following God and only did what
the Bible tells me because I feel like I have to (and usually hate it
even while I'm doing it), then what good was I going to be, leading
others to the same burden I have to carry?
It now occurs to me I may have been
interpreting the verse and its application wrong all along. As I've
also pointed out in another entry, a few years back when I realized
how unhappy I was I started changing things in my life to fix it.
Over the past four years I've changed nearly everything. I've put
down all the bad habits I picked up in my college years, changed my
diet, picked up my regular exercise routine, and all the other stuff
I mentioned. Now I'm beginning to see that my most recent
depressed/angry period may have been exacerbated by the fact that all
that stuff I changed in an effort to be happy didn't work. Really,
all I've changed in potentially lengthening my lifespan with
healthier behavior is that I'm going to be a miserable git for a lot
longer than I previously anticipated, and that's depressing on its
own.
But, through all my struggles, and with
everything else I've tried to change, my faith is the only thing I
haven't given up. I've looked for ways I might be able to, and I
haven't found any. No matter how I feel, whether I'm angry, sad,
frustrated, or hopeless, I've never been able to let go of God. Maybe
that's the way I need to look at personal ministry – I can't make a
life for God look like something that's fun to do and a path to
happiness and fulfillment. But I can make sure people know that I'm
willing to give up whatever I have to for health and happiness,
except God. My faith is the only thing in my life I can't live
without. That is the light I shine.
